A New Bloom

I wasn’t going to write.I opened my WordPress and placed the cursor in an open field in the Add New Post area earlier … and closed it.But then I realized I needed to write about what matters most.So I’m watching What Happened Miss Simone?  on Netflix and the fact that my husband is not here became quite real. There is no way I would be watching something like this without him, without his voice, without our constant banter about what was going on, without our tears at the parts that hit us personally.We went to view Christopher today. It was one of those movie moments: the dread of anticipation prior to has had my heart rate all out of sorts, to the point I had to check my blood pressure the other day to make sure I wasn’t in distress. There was an accident on the highway as well as construction, so our pastor and his wife were late, picking us up. We raced to the mortuary. I had to sign a paper about ‘preparation’.They ushered us to a ‘viewing room’, where my Christopher was resting. Yes, that is a good word. Sort of.The shell of what was what we knew in this existence rested. What he shed when he Left.The shell was at peace, which helped us be at peace.He looked like himself, only cold, empty, sleeping, not moving.Vacated.Gone.But what he left behind was … him.I miss that him.We had nicknames and I haven’t said his in 10 days. I haven’t heard mine in 10 days.This is just the beginning. I have — God willing — many more days not to hear those nicknames (outside my dreams and my imagination) ahead of me.I have birthdays, anniversaries, events.I watched the Super Bowl for him.But what matters most today — right now — is that I have peace. My heart rate is not erratic like it was, now that I have seen him.I shared with friends that this body we inhabit is like the T-shirt we trade for God’s tuxedo when we Leave.I have seen Christopher’s T-shirt now and know that he is with God, handsome and whole, wearing his Heavenly tuxedo and celebrating God.I must admit, I am jealous and hope to get a glimpse of him in the sunset, in the stars, in my dreams …So who am I , now?I am floating without my Earthly anchor. The person I bugged with all my questions. The mirror to my reflection. My cartoon, movie, documentary partner.I want to talk to him about this Nina Simone documentary, about how one person called her ‘the patron saint of the rebellion’. Wow.About what we were going to do next, in the spirit of critical reflection, of spirituality, of parenthood (both human and canine — oh! how the four-legged babies yearn for him!), of couple-hood.I shed tears, I smile, I hope.Christopher proclaimed himself my biggest fan, and I was his as well. Who do I cheer for now?I pray for whispers of his voice as I go on, fiercely and fearlessly, into the future he envisioned for us.Sleep now, my love, and wait for me …