Appetites

I popped into a convenience store the other day, desiring something sweet. Chocolate, I figured, would take care of the problem.Chocolate almost always works.I looked up and down at all the neatly lined boxes and tried to get excited about something. Anything.I paused at the Caramellos, one of my all-time favorites: they were on a twofer. However, my stomach lurched instead of growled at the possibility. It’s not the first time of late.When my Christopher left, he took some of my appetites with him. He used to buy me Caramellos when he went to the store sometimes because he knew I liked them. I can’t go near the deli counter at our market because I’m sure I’ll see his reflection in the glass, asking me to pick up a half-pound of American Cheese, white, please.I had containers of shrimp fried rice and mixed Chinese veggies in the freezer. I’d put them there after his own appetite had waned — it was too good to lose and besides, I had figured at the time, we could always thaw it out later when he had a taste for it. He left without eating any. It took a lot for me to eat it without him.I imagine he’ll be irritated, reading this post from his Other Side Internet. However, I must tell the truth. There are things I don’t want to eat without him. It’s not the same. It doesn’t look the same. It doesn’t smell the same.I ended up with Peanut M&Ms, which were almost as difficult to buy because Christopher would get those for me occasionally as well. However, Caramellos were more special since we can’t find them everywhere.I suspect a day will come when I can pick one up without the stomach lurch but not that day. Not yet.Today is Monday. He’s been gone a month. The wound gapes and I can hear him fussing.And that’s okay.

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